A Curvy Girl's Guide to Dating: Expectations
I need your help! As a bigger girl I find it hard to find a committed boyfriend. I always feel left out and it’s starting to bug me. The boy's who do talk to me become really mean and tell me I'm expecting too much. What can I do?
In college I never thought I would be a writer. I went to school for fashion. When I first started Coil and Curve the premise was for it to be a fashion blog for fuller women. But when it was time to give out tips of the trade I couldn’t post it. In that moment I felt like women in society needed to hear more than what to pair with boyfriend jeans.
And even though I am currently working on incorporating a style section back into my website, I still remain committed to giving out what I believe to be the best advice in living life as a woman, whether you’re fat, skinny, black, or white.
The reader above who wrote to me isn’t the first woman to reach out to me asking for advice on dating. When I first got asked to give advice on dating as a curvy girl, I was super perplexed.
Perplexed as in I wasn’t sure what they wanted to hear.
Why don't all women on earth know that they deserved to be treated like the magical beings that they are? Why do we have to have this conversation? Why are we raising the next generation in a climate of no self-worth?
Half of the women I have spoken to are looking for a magical carpet ride to bring down their prince charming from the heavens above, while the other half are putting their all into dead-end relationships that they're too far gone to dream of a prince charming.
From all of the questions that I get in I have decided to publish a three part guide to dating as a curvy girl: Expectations, Sex and the Curvy Girl, and The Art Of Letting Out.
Before I begin I have two prefaces:
This is not a how-to on finding a soulmate. I haven’t found mine, and I’m sorta just praying he’s not a serial killer. And I am honestly loving the dating phase I’m in right now that I think I would balk if my soulmate entered into my life at this very moment.
This is not a how-to on gaining confidence. As a woman who really loves herself, and I mean really…I still have moments of self-doubt and become envious of everything I’m not. Learning about one’s self and becoming more loving to the outer shell is a growth spurt every woman no matter her age has to experience. I do not have a guide to that yet.
Do not lower your expectations.
This is by far the most frustrating thing women, let alone curvy women do in order to have someone in their lives. We are all looking for someone to complete us, and in our quest for a forever love we have become deathly afraid of being alone. In the journey of finding love we abandon the expectations we had set for ourselves and partners at the beginning.
Curvy girls all over the world are told that in order to find someone who’s going to accept us we have to lower our expectations.
And we have programmed our brains into believing that bullshit.
We all may have, or know someone who has settled for the first man to ignore our flubber that we ignore all the disappointments that may arise.
He’s not treating me how I deserve, but I shouldn’t be ungrateful seeing how no one else will accept me.
He’s cheating on me, but I shouldn’t complain because he takes me for who I am.
He wants to leave me, but what I am going to do since he was the only one to notice me?
Let me be the one to tell you that you absolutely deserve to be treated like a goddamn queen. Any man that you let into your life whether you’re just casually dating or in a committed relationship with should treat you with respect at all times.
If you are currently or looking to start dating having high expectations on how a man emotionally treats you would be the holy grail of advice I could dish out.
Find someone who will compliment you when you're not feeling your sexiest.
Find someone who will hold your hand.
Find someone who does not have a malicious bone in his body.
Find someone who will laugh at you for ordering a salad and tell you to get the steak.
What’s worse than lowering your emotional expectations for a man, are having sky high standards that even Jesus himself wouldn’t qualify for if he were here walking on earth.
It’s okay to have standards and expectations, but you also have to be realistic with what you desire.
When it comes to materialistic standards, we’re basically asking what can they offer when they fail at making us happy.
When it comes to physical standards, we’re basically asking what can they offer when we both fail at a more spiritual bonding.
I believe no one should have physical standards, especially a fat person.
Before anyone throws fire my way, I absolutely have a point.
It is super unrealistic to have a physical expectation that you can’t relate to.
As a curvy girl I am not looking for Mr. Six Pack who downs a protein shake before sprinting to the gym for a three hour workout.
What would we talk about? Would he really understand that when I propose a Netflix -and-Chill night I really mean a Netflix-and-scarf-down-a-whole-pizza night?
And let me be completely frank when I say the only workout I partake in involves a man and a bed.
And whips…maybe chains….
Do not have expectations for the actual relationship.
I know I just gave out the advice on having high expectations on how a man treats you, but that is where your expectations should end.
When you first start dating someone do not put any weight in how your future will pan out. Do you not plan a wedding in your head. Do not find future baby names. Do not build your dream home on pinterest.
Having expectations for the future will surely lead to disappointments.
If you are not quite sure on what you are looking for in a relationship date multiple people at a time.
Flirt around. Talk to strangers. Get on Tinder. No judgment.
Let the relationships you enter form organically.
Do not expect to meet his mama. Unless y'all have been dating for years, then I highly expect you to get a clue.
He does not owe you a future.
He does not owe you a future of good morning texts. Sigh, but we sure love getting them.
He does not owe you a future of multiple orgasms. Love getting those also.
The first couple of men you encounter will not be your future. Expect that.
Curvy women are not some alien species on earth. Our feelings should not be voided in the dating world. Our hearts pump the same and we have feelings like our skinny counterparts.
We deserve to be treated like queens. Even if we’re plump queens.